offensive text conversations….

Technology provides more access to people, with more access you have more opportunities to connect or to offend.  Texting has generally worked very well for me.  I’m able to shoot a quick message, get my point across, and move on with my life.  There are obviously times when a text message is misconstrued and you have to follow-up with a phone call to explain.  Par for the course.  I can deal with that.  What I cannot deal with is ignorant text conversations.  When people send me text messages with words like “dat” for “that” and “yo” for “your” or “da” for “the” and “dis” for “this”  it really rots my cabbage.  I don’t even have meaningful conversations with people who speak that way so asking me to read it and reply to it is definitely going to get you no where.

I mean really?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I mean really?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I was explaining to my sister that I got one of these messages, and I replied to the person telling them that  I didn’t understand them and that they should speak to me in correct english if they want to have a conversation.  The person had the audacity to be offended and proceeded to tell me of their offense in the offensive non real word text messages!  Clearly that was the last conversations we’ve had.

I do understand that when dealing with younger children or young adults there is a certain amount of this that is to be expected.  I am aware of that so I save my tolerance for that.  I can accept limited amounts of non real word text conversations from my youngest sister who is 23 and is crunk for years.  Sometimes I have to pause and try to figure out what she is saying to me before I reply.

Is it too much to ask to use whole words?  real words?  sentences that make sense?  Geez, what has the alphabet done to  you? I mean if you are going to type “tha” why not just type “the” it’s same amount of letters.  Sometimes after looking at correspondence from certain people I feel like I have just finished reading the lyrics to a 2 chainz song.  If your text messages make me have to think just to read them,  I’d rather not.

Please and thank you.


The gift of music!

rbb aerosmith rbb madonna

Rockabye baby! Lullabye renditions Rockabye baby! Lullaby Renditions


If you are like me, your relationship with today’s music is a bit strained.  Sometimes when I listen to the radio I am really trying to figure out what the hell I’m listening to and why!  I long for the days of Bell, Biv, Devoe, Madonna, LL cool J, Tupac, David Bowie, Prince, and so forth.  I often wonder what today’s legacy of music will be.  What will kid’s sing on American Idol 25 years from now?  Still Mariah Carey?  Certainly they can’t sing Brittney’s new hit (which I love)   Work B***h, or maybe a Ke$ha song?  Maybe, just maybe Kim Kardashian will finally make that album and save us all:-)

In the meantime for those of us who want to share some of OUR music with our babies we can!  We can share Rockabye baby! Lullaby renditions of our favorite artist!  We have Prince, Michael Jackson, U2, Bon Jovi, Kanye West, Jay-z, Guns N Roses, Bob Marley, and Madonna!


rbb prince rbb kanye rbb jayz rbb gunsNrosesI think these are a great way to share music with your child, or for you to just rock out or relax during nap time.  After all there is only so much white noise you want to sit through.  All of these are available at

Sometimes the truth needs a little sugar on it.

Most of my immediate friends and co-workers are not mothers. I have a few that are currently in the mental baby making space so they will often ask me childbirth and mommy questions.  When answering these questions honestly, I get a shocked face like geez Phnewfula why would I want to go through all of that?!?!?!  At that moment I realized I might need to sugar coat the truth just a little lol.  I also get lots of questions from other moms about our lifestyle choices.  Those are always interesting because they can be slightly judgemental which is fine because I will give you a judgemental answer back:-)


Here are a few of the actual questions I get:

Q: What do contractions feel like?

A: They feel like someone is ripping your stomach apart

realization: even tho this is true, it’s not nice to say and might scare some mothers who haven’t had children yet.  This is a bad Phnewfula answer.

Q: How do you handle balancing being a mom with work, and travel, and everything else you have going on?!

A: I don’t.  My life is out of control at all times. When I have to leave to go on the road I bounce between feeling like a horrible mom for leaving my child or being happy that I’ve left my child and I can sleep past 7:30am or feeling lame that I am actually in a club that I don’t want to be in trying to twerk a lil something so I still feel relevant.

realization: This is pretty spot on so no changes here.  I do need to give a disclaimer that I am in the club for work, never voluntary:-)

Q: Is it fun having a boy?

A: 76% of the time yes!  I love my son and I could not imagine having a girl first.  Boys are the best; until, they intentionally pee on the living room floor, or throw legos at you, or you realize you know have to deal with another person obsessed with their penis, or until you have suffered your 5th busted lip at the hands of your toddler, or your realize that 5 year old gas smells like grown man gas, or before you come to the understanding that a run and tackle is equivalent to “mom, i missed you today”.  Once you get all that down and realize that code words like “testosterone” and “energy” basically mean you will need advil at the end of the night you’ll love being the mom of a boy!

realization: this is again all factual and quite sugar coated enough.  no changes needed here!

Q: Why won’t you let your child eat the good stuff?  He is going to be picked on by the other kids.

A: My son does eat good stuff.  If by good stuff you mean the bull***t that you feed your children? No thank you.  We do our best to stay away from artificial colors, and flavors.  He eats fruits and vegetables because they taste good and they are healthy for him.  He chooses to eat a variety of foods because that is what he was raised on.  He prefers Indian food over macaroni and cheese.  He prefers broccoli over french fries.  He is not allowed to eat fast food (except chick-fil-a, it’s an addition I can’t shake).  So while you are worried about my child being picked on, I would worry about YOUR child tipping the scale!

realization: I should just not answer these question because they send me on a rant.  I really dislike when people try to make me feel bad for making better choices for my child.  I don’t make them feel bad for feeding their children neon blue gelatinous “fruit” chews!  (Unless provoked:-))

I think by now people know when they ask me questions they will get my version of the truth.  that’s what they signed up for.  That’s what they get!  Or, I could just work on my filter…..

This is what happens when your 5 year old is in charge of your halloween costume

Halloween is quickly approaching and I have been trying for the last 2 months to get the kid to narrow down what he wants to be.  He bounced back and forth between a black ninja, iron man, and Luigi.  All of those are fine and easy for him.  The problem becomes that I have to dress up as his companion.  There are certain things that he makes the rules on and Halloween is one of them.

Option number 1.


He is Luigi which makes me Mario.  I explained to him that i do NOT want to be Mario because I don’t want to dress up like a plumber.  His compromise was Princess peach.  I also have no interest in being princess peach because I’m not wearing a blond wig and big pink dress.  I feel as tho I will look like a bad Nicki Minaj.

Princess Peach
Princess Peach

Option number 2.

He would be a black ninja and I would be a pink ninja.  That worked much better for me.  I could be a hot mom ninja!  This first little number here might have to be the nighttime ninja outfit for daddy:-)  I could totally do the second one with boobs covered of course and in pink.  The last picture really makes me happy!!!

We discussed my attire and accessories and he informed me that I cannot have nunchucks because they are weapons and I don’t know how to use them because I am not a real ninja.  I tried to explain to him that a woman needs her accessories and he still said no.  I am now less likely to want to be a pink ninja with no awesome nunchucks.  Except maybe that nighttime ninja!

pink ninja ideas pink ninja

ninja ideas!
ninja ideas!

Option number 3.

He would be Iron man and I would be a ninja turtle.  Obviously I want to be Thor.  I love Thor and I would be an incredible female Thor.  He tells me that I can’t be Thor because Thor is not a girl however, I could be a ninja turtle.  So I’m assuming that the thinks the turtles are genderless.  I”m ok with that.  I can be a ninja turtle.  I saw a few cute ninja turtle costumes that are obviously inappropriate to wear around children but cute non the less!  I think I will just go grab some green yoga pants and a green long sleeve shirt and call it a day.  I can find some fabric around here to tie around my eyes, arms and legs.  I do have to make sure I can move with my shell since I will be volunteering at the kid’s school that day.  I would be mortified if I had a wardrobe malfunction and my shell fell off!

While this is not appropriate to wear around kids, it's still cute!
While this is not appropriate to wear around kids, it’s still cute!

I need to speak to my ovaries and strike a deal with them.  The next time we decide to put an egg to use I’d like to make it a girl egg.  I feel as tho I’d have a much easier time deciding between a Barbie, a my little pony, a princess, and a ballerina.


To give the good candy or to not give the good candy? That is the question.

expensive organic candy #1
expensive organic candy #1

I have always had this dilemma when it comes to me providing food or treats for kids.  I do my best to keep my kid away from processed food, and artificial flavores  That pretty much excludes most of the “fun stuff” marketed towards kids for them to eat.  Gummy snacks, sugary cereals, random packaged snacks and almost anything that has his favorite characters on them is something he can’t eat.

expensive natural candy #2
expensive natural candy #2

Eating healthier and making better choices is also more expensive.  I don’t mind that expense for my child.  The question becomes do I incur that expense for the other children whose parents could care less what they eat.

expensive organic candy #3
expensive organic candy #3

Yesterday, as I was in the store I picked up a few bags of Halloween candy.  I picked up organic lollipops, organic hard candies, and naturally flavored and colored taffys.  $10 dollars later I realized I could go through all of this in an hour!  I really don’t feel like spending $30-40 bucks on healthier Halloween candy when those kids could care less.  I could go to target and get a big bag of conventional candy for 5 bucks, however, my conscious won’t let me do it.  I’m trying to not feel bad because it’s used to what they are eating any way right?  right!  Then that old saying pops in my head.  If you know better, do better.  I’m sure I will cringe giving out snickers bars, and nerds but I’m not going to completely rule it out.  However, being a hypocrite is setting a bad example for the kid lol.  Maybe I can look at is as teaching him financial responsibility?  Don’t spend your money on people who don’t care.

I think this may be a game day decision….


The fundraising competition


As a mother of one, every thing that happens becomes a learning experience.  Everything is new which can in some cases be quite exciting and in some cases not so much.  The fundraising is the not so much in this case.  The kid’s school is doing a fun run to raise money for their school garden.  When I got the paperwork I set up the kid’s page and sent it to most of my friends.  In three days the kid had raised $200 so clearly I thought we were masters of the universe.  I emailed the president of the PTO to verify that my child was in fact in first place and would be doing clean sweep to win all of the prizes that come with being the first to raise a certain amount of money.  She emailed back with an apology that someone in the kid’s grade had already raised $200 before he did.  WHAT!?!?!?!  How is that possible? There is a link on the site where you can track the top earners and low and behold the kid was #3.  That put a battery in my back like no other.  I made calls and emails until the kid was number one!

After I was satisfied I actually took a moment to look at some of the other kid’s donations.  One kid had 5 pledges totalling $550, another had 6 totalling $650, and one more had 4 pledges totalling $400.  I realized then that these kid’s have friends with deep pockets!  It took 21 people to get the kid to $635!  Who the hell is giving kids $150 for a fundraiser?  Geez.

Currently we are in second place which makes my skin crawl.  We have until Oct 25th to get it together and win!  While explaining this to my sister, she says “uh huh, so you know this is about you right?” I think it is about “us”, teach them early to aim high and go get em!  Really I just hate losing.  Losing is for losers.  WE are a family of winners!!!

We shall see how this ends….lol